There I stood amidst Confusion. One year under self- decisive seclusion had taken me deep inside. Like a tree I was. I was totally internal. For one who is observing from out, I might have looked mentally plagued with no sign of worldly emotions or actions.
After a year of immersing myself into vigorous writing, reading and thinking I was left in such a state. I felt no use with empty chats and other actions which seemed purely useless with no cause behind. They were mere waste, I felt. I was on that trans-state. The cycle of Birth, Education, Money, Family, Children, and Retirement seemed inoperable. Why to copy the cycle again and again. Whether you be ultimately rich or primarily poor the cycle is same, course might vary.
Shall we break this cycle? Is there anybody who had successfully broken this cycle? This was the pursuit which I was behind. It took three, totally to conclude my decision to write a fiction trying to understand the life. Finally I concluded the fiction along this one year leading a total secluded life keeping worldly affairs away fully focusing on the task. To chase the Light.
222 grams of Light, the fiction was completed bearing thousand questions awaiting answers. Before further doing any other task I need to find answers for these questions. It was not on my existence but in existence of human beings. May my upbringing had made me free from worldly distractions but why not others? Why people are not understanding others? Why they have swings? Why they pretend one while doing another? Why they need wars? Why they fabricate something out of nothing? Is the defect mine?
There the search left me. I was not able to sleep or eat properly. My total thoughts and actions were affected. Depression was higher to such an extent. What to do now?
This one year had brought me to a state where I never felt my existence, I never demanded anything. I allowed myself to be in the current of life to take me to the shore where it loves.
I don’t know what to do next. It was such time while browsing I concluded to learn Hindi at least. I certainly don’t know how this thought infected me. But I felt. To learn Hindi perfectly. And through internet I came to know that Varanasi is one of the fine place on earth to learn Hindi. I mailed a few teachers and got reply from one. Hindi Teacher Varanasi. Binit Kumar Mishra was the man behind this institute who teach Hindi single handed. He gave me a quote for a month if I wish stay in a household to learn Hindi. I replied affirmative that I could help him in branding and taking his institute further. So everything was set up departing me to book flight tickets. Thus I came to Varanasi. Binit took me.
We arrived at his home riding through narrow streets of two buffalo width, giving no chance to encrypt in mind. His incomplete brick faced house stood alone in a high farmland converted into building plots. Though House’s interior and exterior was under construction, his family was living in peace already.
Binit had two children. The elder boy was just visiting kindergarten in a nearby school and younger girl is a year complete from birth. The family welcomed me with a glass of water straight from the ground which tasted little like sewage with slight pungency. The whole household was furnished with items resulted from ‘Jugaad’. (Jugaad is a term used popularly in North India to indicate an action being completed ‘somehow’ by ‘whatever means’ and ‘whichever way’. The aim is to get the work done giving no thoughts for perfection.) Flooring was half-done leading dust sediment to witness smell of urine, cockroach and rat in air.
That was really a weird experience for me. Thought first it made me to frown, later I was ready with a smile. Ready to observe their life. I will live in a family migrated from the neighbouring state of Jharkhand to live ‘the great Indian dream’ of building better future for children by sacrificing their life. No other citizens apart from Indian Subcontinent will never understand this mind-set of self-sacrificing parents.
Binit advised me that he could shift me to some of his neighbour’s quarter if I feel uncomfortable there. I told him everything is alright and am jet-lacking due to 8 hours of travel. I retired to sleep after having a long shower.